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Owner's review of the R1200RS - NSFW

Discussion in 'BMW R1200RS Reviews' started by Spiky, Aug 21, 2015.

  1. Spiky

    Spiky Well-Known Member

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    I'm not quite sure how PC this forum is. I guess I'm about to find out.

    Kapitel Eins


    My wife's bottom has always been a source of great wonderment to me. Along with her ability to drink eight pints of lager on a date, her bottom was one of the first things that really drew me to her. It has seemingly defied the ravages of time, gravity, and childbirth, and continues to be a source of joy and wonder to me nigh on twenty years later. When her bottom is unhappy, then I am unhappy too. Many expensive accoutrements have been festooned upon my motorcycles in the past, purely in order to placate the needs of her bottom. I have no doubt that this will continue.

    [​IMG]

    My wife's bottom loved my GS. They had an understanding, a relationship. I could only marvel at the love that grew between bike and bum over many thousands of kilometres. When finally they parted it was a wrench, but we knew it was for the best.

    And so to the S1000XR, a bike which had been on order for many months.

    The XR and the bottom failed to see eye to eye, if you will. One was hard, focussed and unyielding, the other soft, pert and comfortable. It was a marriage that was doomed from the start. Even as I rode the demo back home from the dealers, I could hear the pillion seat whispering words of defiance and non-compliance. Despite my best efforts and cheery demeanour, the two hated each other almost from first sight. Truth be told, I was a little underwhelmed myself. It’s a great bike – of that there is no doubt – but so is a Goldwing, and I didn’t want one of those either. It failed to appeal to me on any number of levels. I rode it back to the dealer, the empty pillion seat and I in frosty silence.

    At the request of her bottom, I borrowed the new GS. Bum was delighted, understandably. There followed an uneasy stand-off between her bottom and my will to not own another GS. The things that bottom loved - basically the fact that the bike was exactly the fucking same as the last one - I loathed. Sure, it had all the new toys and the new engine, but a few times I actually forgot that I was not on my old bike. This was not what I had in mind at all. At all, at all.

    Back at the Dealer - who was still smiling, but secretly thinking that I was a bit of a cunt - I bumped into a really nice chap. A bit beige, just like me - you'd have liked him too, I reckon. He'd had an XR on order as well, but he didn't like it either. No mention was made of his wife's bottom, but I think that we had an unspoken understanding in this regard. Try an RS, he told me, you'll love it. So I did.

    As I rode it away from the Dealer ('Cunt…' he muttered under his breath, smiling and waving to me) I literally laughed out loud. I can't really explain why. It was inexplicably perfect - the engine, the ergos, the controls. I genuinely can't recall ever feeling quite so at home with a bike, absolutely instantly. It was quite strange. I didn't ride it straight home to meet the bottom, as I had with the GS. When I picked the demo RS up, it had 70km on the clock and 3 inches of unused rear tyre. When I arrived at home an hour and a half later, the white-hot engine pinging and tinking below me, the rear tyre looked somewhat more frazzled, as did I. Fuck, I thought, this is The One. Like a nervous teenager taking his new girlfriend back to meet the parents for the first time, I was a bundle of sweaty nerves and trepidation.

    Bottom sat disdainfully on this new interloper, and I could sense a degree of instant resentment. Bottom still pined for her GS, and I knew that I had some work to do. We fiddled with panniers, played with suspension, and I made no end of helpful and encouraging noises. The bum could sense that I was in love, and in her inimitable way told me that I could 'do what you fucking like... you always fucking do anyway'. I took this as a good sign, and raced back to the Dealer. Not wishing to spoil my reputation as 'that cunt who keeps fucking me around', I fucked him around for a day or two and then ordered one.

    And now I have it.

    And it's fabulous.

    Kapitel Zwei

    Let me tell you what I like:

    THE ENGINE. It's a peach. It has character, much as my GS had character, and this is important to me. I don't like ordinary motorcycles - I like quirky, tuneful, lumpy engines that tell me stories. An inline four is to me like a glass of VB: I'll have it if there's nothing else available, but I'd really rather have something else. The RS talks to me, goads me, tugs me along by the arm and makes me do things. It dares me to give it a slap, tempting me into unspeakable and illegal activities, like that slightly ADD kid from school that your mother told you to avoid. It mutters, chunters, whispers in my ear, and together we attack things. It regards my license with the same cheerless contempt that I usually reserve for paedophiles and Manchester City supporters.

    THE ELECTRONICS. Yeah, yeah, yeah...real motorcyclists don't need them, but they can fuck off. They work, I like them, and they make me happy. I ride to work with the traction light blinking, the heated grips heating, the cruise control reminding me what speed I should actually be doing, and the adjustable screen diverting the fumes of the proletariat neatly over my head. I have absolutely no idea what half of them do. I've got three different screens that I can select for my dashboard, for fucks sake. Ask me again in 12 months’ time.

    THE BRAKES. Radial Brembos it says on the brochure. Combined with ABS, these can scrub off speed faster than Keith Richards' dry cleaner. I can’t imagine that I would ever need to stop any quicker.

    THE HANDLING. Probably my favourite bit of the bike. In real-world conditions I rate it as better than the GS, which is possibly the greatest praise that I can give any motorcycle.

    THE GEARBOX. Better than the GS, which is damning with faint praise I know, but it really is good. It has this auto-blipper thing that…..oh, fucked if I know. Read a proper review if you want to find out.

    THE SEAT. The bottom likes the seat. It took a little while, but it has since been declared 'as nice as the GS', which is perhaps the ultimate accolade. One glass of wine on the weekend was all it took for the bottom to fall asleep - twice - on the road back from Jerrys to Wollombi. It would be fair to say that I was also 'pressing on a bit', in that slightly beige, wobbly fashion that I am known for.

    THE LUGGAGE. Rest assured that should I ever visit Philip Island again, I shall be the man walking the Esplanade in full dinner suit, cummerbund, cravat, and winkle picker shoes. And top hat and cane, probably.

    Things that the jury is still out on:

    KEYLESS FUCKING IGNITION. Yep, I'm going to lose the key soon, and it's over $300. Plus, I still need it to open the luggage and the seat, so I'm going to leave it in the top box lock and ride off, aren't I? Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. The electronic steering lock has already ceased to function, which worries me a bit. The dealer’s demo had the fuel filler locked permanently shut, which worries me a bit more. Maybe I will grow to love it, but not yet.

    And that's it. There are no bad motorcycles: there are only those that are right for you and those that are not. Then there are those that you can afford, and those that you cannot. The R1200RS is to me Every Motorcycle. In absolute terms it is not the fastest, the most comfortable, nor the prettiest. It is however the best motorcycle that I can afford, and one which is almost perfectly suited to my requirements. And – more importantly - those of the bottom.

    It is a fucking sensational bike.

    [​IMG]
     
    Bjornar, Martin Knowles, TAE and 73 others like this.
  2. Ole

    Ole Member

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    What a fucking great review :D
     
  3. Yaron

    Yaron New Member

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    Well written.
    Agree with every word.
    Great review
     
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  4. LA2PDX

    LA2PDX Member

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    Perhaps it is time for The Bottom to get her bum off your bike and onto her own bike.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2015
    Jeroen1969 likes this.
  5. Spiky

    Spiky Well-Known Member

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    I've tried that. A perfectly good CBR600 sat around with a flat battery for 12 months.

    I don't mind her going pillion. It doesn't seem to slow us down much.
     
  6. edtxw01

    edtxw01 Active Member

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    I've got a bottom too and she loves this bike much more than the K1300R. She (the bottom) is happy then so am I, nothing more to say.
    Great review too.
     
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  7. NicoFR78

    NicoFR78 New Member

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    Great review :)
     
  8. Psy69

    Psy69 Active Member

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    Brilliant write up, made for a great entertaining read. Thank you.
     
  9. roger coleman

    roger coleman Well-Known Member

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    great review, and yes, your wife does have a nice bottom
     
    Grumpy Goat likes this.
  10. Scorch

    Scorch Well-Known Member

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    I reckon I'm going to spend most of the rest of the day liking and unliking this review, just so that I get to keep pressing the 'like' button...
     
    Spiky likes this.
  11. padgman

    padgman New Member

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    +1! Great read. Had a road test today and can see why this bike gives you all wood!! Dealer about to sell demo bike, but only for 250 under FRP, so may go for new in autumn and look forward to next year. 'Er indoors appears to have given permission too - now that she spends more time tear-arsing about on her CB500X. By the way, great to have all this product testing.
     
  12. Andy Griffiths

    Andy Griffiths Well-Known Member

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    That is one very original viewpoint for a review!
     
  13. hdready

    hdready Active Member

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    Where can I read more? Topic doesn't matter. Hope you are doing this as a professional writer (or at least consider a career). Keith Richards dry cleaner... Epic!
     
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  14. lars Ormvold

    lars Ormvold Active Member

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    Keep writing :) Love entertaining reviews. When going on tour I have the spare key in an unused pocket of my wife's riding gear, then I can at least be sure to get home without too many problems other than the bill for a new key . . . .
     
  15. Rocky R

    Rocky R Active Member

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    Thoroughly entertained. Great read! Looking forward to something from you about something you REALLY dislike!
     
    slowpoke likes this.
  16. Spiky

    Spiky Well-Known Member

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    Hmmmm. Maybe I should review my local dealer's 'service' department...
     
  17. JKM

    JKM Member

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    Great read - cheers mate
     
  18. Ben Russo

    Ben Russo Active Member

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    Wish I could click "like" more than once. Drinking my late Saturday morning coffee and reading, "...scrub off speed faster than Keith Richard's dry cleaner..." SPLORT (there goes my macbook), wonderful.
     
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  19. Adam

    Adam New Member

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    Love the review!
    My RS and my bottom are yet to become intimately acquainted, but they like to eye each other off

    "Yep, I'm going to lose the key soon, and it's over $300. Plus, I still need it to open the luggage and the seat, so I'm going to leave it in the top box lock and ride off, aren't I? Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck."


    Yep, I did exactly that the other night. Noticed the warning light on the dash about 5 minutes into the trip, kicked myself and turned around. Found it on the (3-lane each way, bloody busy despite being late at night) road, about 1km back. It had been run over a few times by then. The scratches on the fob are a good reminder now.... PUT ME IN YOUR BLOODY POCKET. Not sure I'll go keyless next time, unless the luggage is keyless too.

    Rode the Putty Rd to Singleton and back the other day. The only thing that hurt was my face from smiling the whole time.
     

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  20. Spiky

    Spiky Well-Known Member

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    Ooh, The Percy! You drink in all the top places, eh?

    Is your bike from Brisans, and have you had your first service yet?
     
    Fluke likes this.

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