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Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic Section' started by Bravo, Oct 15, 2016.

  1. Richard230

    Richard230 Well-Known Member Contributor

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    Here is something a little different:
     
  2. Richard230

    Richard230 Well-Known Member Contributor

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    A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
     
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  3. JWMcDonald

    JWMcDonald Active Member Contributor

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    I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
    Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
    (Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)
    ------------------------------ ------------------------------
    Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."They were seated immediately.

    ------------------------------ ------------------------

    The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.
    ------------------------------ ------------------------

    All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
    The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
    ------------------------------ ------------------------

    Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
    ------------------------------ ------------------------

    Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
    Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
    Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a Wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
    Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------

    Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
    ------------------------------ -----------
    John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
    "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
    ------------------------------ --------
    A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
    have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man. He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."


    I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
     
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  4. Richard230

    Richard230 Well-Known Member Contributor

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    Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, “I can’t drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that.” “Just put the jacket on backwards.” His friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, “Are they showing any signs of life?” “Well,” the farmer explained, “the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!

    A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously drunk that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle. After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally found his own bike. He sat on his motorcycle in a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, and again on and off. He started his engine and pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed. “I doubt it,” said the man, “You see, tonight I am the designated decoy… I haven’t had a drink all day!”

    Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: “I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now.” The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me.” A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. “I would like a helmet.” This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear’s turn again. “I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female.” A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. “I would like a motorcycle.” Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn’t just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. “I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me.” A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said “I wish the bear was gay” and took off like a bat out of hell.

    A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, ‘Ma’am, you’re driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?”]And the nun says, ‘Oh, I saw the sign with the “21” and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h”. The officer explains: ‘No ma’am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21.” Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf. “Excuse me sister, but what’s wrong with your passenger?” “Oh, that’s probably because we just got off Highway 205.


    A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off. Written in large black letters was the sentence: “Get well soon……. from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”
     
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  5. Richard230

    Richard230 Well-Known Member Contributor

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    What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about $3.00 and deer nuts are under a buck.

    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning, in an arrogant manner, that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them. There are two lessons here:
    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think!!
     
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  6. Richard230

    Richard230 Well-Known Member Contributor

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    Found on a public bathroom wall - "The many products of pen in hand, Could make you 10 or 15 grand... But, here we all, in silence sit. And read this shi*house poet's wit..."

    I'm surprised at the number of toilets Kilroy visited.

    I asked my astronomer friend how work was going. He said it was looking up.

    Two Harley owners were riding through the back woods two lanes when they came across a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. The first Harley owner pulls his chopper over, parks it, gets off, walks up to the sheep, pulls down his pants & does the sheep to the tune of a lot of grunting and bleating. Then he turns to his buddy and said, "OK it's your turn now." So his buddy sticks his head in the fence.

    A man goes for a prostate exam.The proctologist is checking him out when he finds a roll of hundreds up the guys ass. He pulls out the money and counts it "You're not going to believe this but I've just found $1900 dollars up your ass" "Hmmm" says the patient "That's why I haven't been feeling too grand"
     
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  7. Richard230

    Richard230 Well-Known Member Contributor

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    "Dyslexics of the world, untie!"
     
  8. Bravo

    Bravo Plenty in the tank. Contributor

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    If a woman feels uncomfortable watching you masturbate she....

    A) Has intimacy issues.

    B) Is frigid.

    C) Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus.
     
  9. Richard230

    Richard230 Well-Known Member Contributor

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    I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when suddenly it left without me. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.

    The chief of staff of US Air Force decided to personally recruit some pilots and he saw two young twins. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?” The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!” The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?” The young man says, “I chop wood!” “Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?” “I chop wood!” “Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!” “Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!” “Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!” The young man rolls his eyes and says, “So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it.

    I don't really remember much about the first time I met my wife. I just opened my wallet and there she was.
     
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  10. Bravo

    Bravo Plenty in the tank. Contributor

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    Roses are shit,
    Violets are poo,
    I've got tourettes,
    Cunt wank fuck you....
     
  11. Richard230

    Richard230 Well-Known Member Contributor

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    I don't like the term 'kidnapping'. I prefer to call it 'surprise adoption'.

    I know I've been bald for years but I've kept all my combs. I just can't part with them.

    Someone complained about my driving. Said I shouldn't be on the motorway. I'll play golf wherever I fucking want!

    I'm in line for a promotion and huge pay rise at the Ministry of Defence where I work, after finally perfecting the invisibility suit. Well they think I have, I've just not turned up for three weeks.

    I got sacked from PC World today. A guy came in the computer store and asked me what was the best thing to finding your ancestors, and I said a shovel.

    Why should anybody be surprised that a gun got through security unnoticed at Los Angeles airport? The clue's in the airport's code, guys: LAX.

    I managed to save all my neighbours money on their car insurance this morning. I sold my wife's car.
     
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  12. Richard230

    Richard230 Well-Known Member Contributor

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    I just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

    We all know mirrors don't lie. I'm just grateful they don't laugh.

    I'm at that point in my life that I'm thankful when I get out of the shower and the mirror is fogged over.

    I read that Budweiser has ceased beer production and is putting water in the cans to send to Houston. I'm wondering how anyone will tell the difference.

    Cheap shoes are a woman's arch enemy.

    I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

    When I was young I was told if you touch yourself down there god is watching. Turns out it was just uncle Frank.

    Why is the North Korean dictator so evil? Because he has no Seoul.
     
  13. Richard230

    Richard230 Well-Known Member Contributor

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    I helped my wife with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

    Why did the chicken cross the road? To get out of range of N Korea's Missiles.

    What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Ones a little heavy and the other is a little lighter.
     
  14. Bravo

    Bravo Plenty in the tank. Contributor

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    Driving through town in the early hours of this morning I spotted an inebriated young lady walking home from a night club;she was wearing a short tight dress and was stumbling along the dimly lit street on very high heels. I pulled my car up and approached her. "Do you want to play the rape game?" I asked.
    "No" she replied.
    "That's the spirit "I said as I hit her over the head and bundled her into the boot of my car.
     
  15. Richard230

    Richard230 Well-Known Member Contributor

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    Time for more silly jokes:

    The three most Famous Lies: 1) Your check is in the mail. 2) I'll respect you in the morning. 3) I'm with the government and I'm here to help.

    My wife and I had sex in the plumbers' position today. We stayed in all day and nobody came.

    My lack of knowledge about Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

    I hate it when my mother talks to my friends about sex. But at least she gets £4.50 a minute for it.

    "Heard an interesting fact today..." Said my wife, earlier, "that carrots can prevent cancer." "I think you mean tomatoes." I corrected her. "Don't talk like a idiot." She snapped. "How can carrots prevent tomatoes!?"

    Does running late count as exercise? No, but jumping to conclusions does.

    I just found the perfect place to hide a dead body, a place no one ever looks. Page two of Google's search results.

    I was offered 8 legs of Venison yesterday for £200. That was two dear.

    I am a recovering alcoholic and I'm proud to say I'm now 200 days sober. I was devastated though when my counsellor told me the days have to be in a row.

    Why is the vegetable band so popular? it has a great beet.

    A Glaswegian went to the off-licence on Friday afternoon on his bike. He bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the basket.
    As he was about to leave, he thought to himself that if he fell off the bike the bottle would break. So he drank all the Scotch before he cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because he fell off seven times before he got home.

    My Great Grandfather had his tongue shot off in the 1st world war. But he never talked about it.

    I was addicted to swimming, but I'm very proud to say I've been dry for six years now.

    My new wife and I had our first argument one hour after our wedding... Apparently she wanted to be in the photographs as well.

    As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection." I said, "Why is that?" He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."

    I had such a massive hangover this morning and just stood in the shower for nearly an hour. Then I summoned the strength to turn it on.

    How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way.
     
  16. Bravo

    Bravo Plenty in the tank. Contributor

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    I thought I heard the ghost of Robin Gibb in my herb garden but it was just the Chives talking.
     
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  17. Bravo

    Bravo Plenty in the tank. Contributor

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    I was chatting to a guy who used to be the human cannonball in the circus,it's not often you meet a man of that calibre.
     
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  18. Bravo

    Bravo Plenty in the tank. Contributor

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    Man driving down a road.
    Woman driving up the same road.
    They pass each other.
    Man leans out of the window and shouts BIG FAT COW !
    Woman shouts back FUCKING WANKER!
    Woman turns round corner crashes into a huge cow and is instantly killed.
    Moral of the story? If only women would fucking listen!
     
  19. Richard230

    Richard230 Well-Known Member Contributor

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    Time for a few cartoons.....
     

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  20. Richard230

    Richard230 Well-Known Member Contributor

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    Here are some funny jokes for a gloomy Monday:

    The Wolverhampton Wanderers manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghan play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over. Two weeks later Wolves are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghan striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for them. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3. They call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.' 'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.’ ‘Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle, and your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings.’ But its ok because you’re having a great time!!' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.' Sorry..??? Sorry...???? says his mum. 'It's your bloody fault we came to Wolverhampton in the first place!'

    My wife was kidnapped about an hour ago and a ransom has been demanded which I'm definitely going to pay. They're threatening to bring her back if I don't.

    I was driving down a country lane the other day when I spotted a farmer stood in the middle of a meadow, he wasn't doing anything, just stood there staring into space. Intrigued I parked the car up and walked across the field and asked him what he was doing. "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize" he replied. "How are you going to do that?" I asked. He replied that he had heard that the Nobel Prize was awarded to people who were outstanding in their field.

    I'll tell you one thing I cannot stand. Two legged tripods.

    My wife has been seeing a faith healer three times a week. I thought she was wasting her money, but I've been proved wrong. Despite doctors saying I am completely infertile, with the power of prayer, she is finally pregnant.
     
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